MacFormat 1994 November/macformat-018.iso/Comms Spectacular/Mansion9Install#1 Folder/Mansion BBS ƒ/Quotes folder/Quote File 2

Text File | 1987-08-01 | 28.2 KB | 956 lines | [TEXT/MACA]

Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name    #
%%
You might have mail
%%
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
%%
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
%%
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
%%
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
%%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
%%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
%%
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
%%
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
%%
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
%%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%%
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
%%
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish
child, was propounded to me by my father:
    "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
    I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
    "A herring," said my father.
    "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
    "So hang it there."
    "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
    "Paint it."
    "But a herring isn't wet."
    "If its just painted its still wet."
    "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
    "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
        -- Leo Rosten
%%
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
        -- Yiddish saying
%%
Waiter:    "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
    (Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
%%
    On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
    "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
    "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%%
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
%%
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
people.
        -- W. C. Fields
%%
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
%%
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
change.
%%
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
%%
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
%%
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
%%
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
%%
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
%%
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
%%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%%
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
today.
%%
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
%%
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
%%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%%
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
%%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%%
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
%%
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
%%
Don't feed the bats tonight.
%%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%%
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
%%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%%
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
%%
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
%%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
%%
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
%%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%%
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
%%
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
%%
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%%
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
%%
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
executive.
%%
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
%%
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%%
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
%%
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
%%
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
%%
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
%%
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
%%
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
%%
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
%%
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
%%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%%
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
%%
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
%%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%%
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
%%
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
%%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%%
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
        -- Jerome Lettvin
%%
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
        -- R. Geis
%%
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
        -- D. J. Hicks
%%
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
        -- Lazarus Long
%%
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
        -- Peter S. Beagle
%%
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
%%
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
%%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%%
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
%%
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
%%
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
%%
Excellent time to become a missing person.
%%
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
%%
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
%%
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
%%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%%
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
%%
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
%%
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
%%
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
%%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%%
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%%
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
%%
Avoid reality at all costs.
%%
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%%
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
%%
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
%%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%%
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
%%
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
%%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%%
    The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

    "Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."

    "How?" demanded Fafhrd.

    Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."

        -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
%%
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
%%
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
%%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%%
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
%%
Vote anarchist
%%
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
%%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%%
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
%%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
%%
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
%%
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
%%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%%
Condense soup, not books!
%%
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
%%
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
%%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%%
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
%%
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
%%
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
%%
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
%%
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
%%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%%
Hire the morally handicapped.
%%
I can resist anything but temptation.
%%
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
%%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
%%
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
%%
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
    Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
%%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%%
"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
%%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%%
George Orwell was an optimist.
%%
Chicken Little was right.
%%
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
%%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%%
Cleveland still lives.  God _m_u_s_t be dead.
%%
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
%%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
%%
Brain fried -- Core dumped
%%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%%
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
%%


%%
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
%%
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
%%
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
%%
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
%%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
%%
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
%%
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
        -- Salvor Hardin
%%
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
%%
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
%%
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
%%
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
%%
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
%%
Down with categorical imperative!
%%
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
%%
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
%%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%%
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
%%
Lysistrata had a good idea.
%%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
%%
Familiarity breeds attempt
%%
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
%%
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
%%
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
%%
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
%%
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
%%
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
%%
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
%%
God is a polythiest
%%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%%
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
%%
    "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
    "Diet."
%%
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
%%
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
%%
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
%%
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
%%
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
%%
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
%%
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
        -- Albert Einstein
%%
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
        -- R. Geis
%%
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
        -- Lewis Carroll
%%
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
        -- Hawkwind
%%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%%
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
    When told this was so,
    He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
%%
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
    But the good ones I've seen
    So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
%%
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
%%
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
%%
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
        -- Lily Tomlin
%%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
%%
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
        -- Albert Einstein
%%
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
        -- Pope John Paul I
%%
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
        -- Clint Eastwood
%%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"obius strip;
    The strip revolved,
    The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%%
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
        -- A. E. Housman
%%
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE

    Oh, dear, where can the matter be
    When it's converted to energy?
    There is a slight loss of parity.
    Johnny's so long at the fair.
%%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
%%
IBM had a PL/I,
    Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
    It was a total loss.
%%
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
    Its monitor loses so totally!
    It runs all its programs in RPG!
    It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
%%
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
%%
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
%%
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%%
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:  "You see, wire
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat."
%%
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES
    The one who has the gold makes the rules.
%%
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
%%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."

        -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
%%
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
%%
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
        -- Foolish Dictionary
%%
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
%%
Accuracy: The vice of being right
%%
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
%%
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
%%
Adult: One old enough to know better.
%%
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
        -- Thomas Jefferson
%%
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
        -- La Rouchefoucauld
%%
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
%%
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
        -- Peggy Joyce
%%
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
        -- Charlie McCarthy
%%
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
        -- John O'Hara
%%
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%%
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
        -- Mickey Mouse
%%
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
%%
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
%%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%%
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
        -- Don Quinn
%%
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
        -- Mark Twain
%%
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
%%
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
%%
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
%%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
        -- Fred Allen
%%
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
%%
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
%%
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%%
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
%%
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
        -- Herbert Prochnow
%%
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
%%
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
%%
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
        -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
        -- H. L. Mencken
%%
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
%%
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
        -- Clarence Darrow
%%
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
        -- John McNulty
%%
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
%%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
        -- G. B. Shaw
%%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
        -- Senator Soaper
%%
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
        -- Elbert Hubbard
%%
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%%
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
%%
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
        -- Bellamy Brooks
%%
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%%
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
        -- F. P. Jones
%%
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
        -- Macy's
%%
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
%%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%%
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
        -- Oscar Wilde
%%
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!

        -- Maxwell Smart
%%
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
%%
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
    While her lover lamented
    The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
%%
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
        -- Bert Whitney
%%
Silverman's Law:
    If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
%%
Hindsight is an exact science.
%%
Ducharme's Precept:
    Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
%%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
%%
Naeser's Law:
    You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
    damnfoolproof.
%%
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
        -- Reverend Chichester
%%
The Third Law of Photography:
    If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
    when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
    the dark leaks out.
%%
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
    If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
    it wasn't worth doing.
%%
Conway's Law:
    In any organization there will always be one person who knows
    what is going on.

    This person must be fired.
%%
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
%%
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
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There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
%%
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
%%
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%%
DeVries' Dilemma:
    If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
    hits the paper.
%%
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%%
Finagle's Creed:
    Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
%%
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
    1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
        once.
    2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
        points.
%%
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
    Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
    reject the proposal.
%%
Jones' First Law:
    Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
    endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
    obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
    importance of their original contribution.
%%
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
    Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
    handle.


%%
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
%%
Horngren's Observation:
    Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
%%
First Rule of History:
    History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
    other.
%%
Hanlon's Razor:
    Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
    stupidity.
%%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
    The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
    instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
    Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
    except study for that instructor's course.
%%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
    If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
    If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
    live.
%%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
%%